The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
