the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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