No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
