i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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