everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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