Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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