I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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