After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
