Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
