He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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