it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
