I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
