She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
