My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i now understand why vodka
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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