I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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