mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
