I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
