I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
