i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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