Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i think i just lost a toe
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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