I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Text me some of your sweat
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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