Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
