My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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