There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
did i just pee glitter
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