I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
