He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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