He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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