Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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