I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
