I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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