Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
