There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
