Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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