This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
