actually, I'm a sock model
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have already put on my inside pants.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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