Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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