my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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