You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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