No awkward lesbian experiences without me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Fuck appropriateness.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize