matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need to calm my uterus...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
