After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize