There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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