All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize