I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
