he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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