im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
