Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
