I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
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