even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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