It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I intend to get homeless drunk
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
