nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
