remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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