You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
