my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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