My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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