You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize