good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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