Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
