I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
