Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
