I love black thongs
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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