I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
