I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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