She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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