i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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