M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
