Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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